Thank you so much for this. I realized I didn’t say 2x2 in this piece though linked to my 2x2 essay in ML. I love how clearly you named those “lizard brain” pings — it’s amazing how deep those early patterns go. It really is a lifelong unwinding, isn’t it? I’m so glad the post resonated with you.
Oh my God I think that would be healing. We could do like a zoom gathering or something not sure how to organize this. But we could catch up on all the pop culture of course we all have different eras in which we missed the pop culture so we could take turns catching up on pop culture for the various eras! lol like a book club
I can so relate only we were on the west coast. Home meetings, miracles (supposedly), revivals, no tv /secular music & an us vs them mentality. Leaving was like a part of me was dying.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I loved it , especially the dippity do reference,
Thank you, Ann. You really nailed it. No tv/radio/secular music, dancing, sports, alcohol, tobacco and the us vs. them! The whole world against us. Persecution for His name’s sake. Miracles waiting in Heaven, really - suffering to get there. And I’ll never forget that green goo. 🤣
"Roaches check in. But they don't check out." (Remember that old commercial?) This is a stunning piece of writing, Kelly, and flows so well, each passage flowing into the other. Thank you for the plug regarding our Livestream collab - looking forward to it!
Tears falling....this literally took my breath away. I have only recently discovered that there are so many "of us". I was born and raised in this.... And I am 61 now. This whole lifetime of of uncertainty (well since I left and doomed myself to a "lost eternity") Thank you SO much for saying what I have been feeling for so long....
I’m so moved by your words. You are not alone — not now, not ever. I’m honored that something in what I wrote could put language to what you’ve carried. Sending so much love and recognition your way.
Tears falling....this literally took my breath away. I have only recently discovered that there are so many "of us". I was born and raised in this.... And I am 61 now. This whole lifetime of of uncertainty (well since I left and doomed myself to a "lost eternity") Thank you SO much for saying what I have been feeling for so long....
Thank you for your eloquent descriptions. I'm a wee bit envious that you got to use the pink foam rollers. My mother's vision of submission for my hair required SLEEPING in the hard plastic yellow rollers that clamped one's locks like a vice. All I needed was a cigarette & an ironing board & I coulda walked straight into a Hee Haw skit. (Since you didn't watch TV, let's just say that Hee Haw was a hoedown version of Saturday Night Live, with banjos & actors who didn't mind having their teeth blackened out as they sang a catchy little tune that went a little sumthin' like this..."Gloom, despair, & agony on me...")
I suppose you could say I'm a "deconstructed" Southern Baptist. But I don't know how you deconstruct someone who was already shattered by narcissistic, abusive parents & their overzealous religion. I feel like a better description would be former Southern Baptist who was ransacked, scrapped for parts, & left to salvage a life. I actually think Ransacked [insert cult or religion here] has a snappy little ring to it.
So much of this I relate to. I need to take a deep breath after reading because it’s so vivid. It’s amazing to me how trauma lays itself down on our neurocircuitry…like a movie. Play, rewind, play. For me, writing lets me play and stop rewinding.
Thank you for reading and commenting! Your name sounds familiar - a phenomena of 2 x 2 so many recognizable names even when I don’t know the people. Even after half a century.
The name is fairly new, actually—it's my pen name under which I write fiction. : ) Your comment warms my heart, because tbh, I'm feeling quite invisible as an author on social media. So thank you! Perhaps you knew someone with a Scandinavian background? Maristatter is derived from my Swedish mother: Literally, "Mary's daughter." Since my books would never have seen the light of day if not for her, I find it singularly appropriate.
When I subscribed, I got your welcome letter with this: "As a thank-you for joining this community, I’m excited to share my Notes Format with you." It's an outline for creating content, which I find so helpful!
One of the things I've always loathed about social media (especially as an author) is the seeming absolute REQUIREMENT to POST CONSTANTLY.
Uh, no. I'm an introvert, thanks. Besides, there's already more written material in the universe than I could possibly ever consume—and often, it's written more brilliantly. Why would I want to add to it? Unless I have something profound or important to say, I'll pass. But your notes format is so helpful in helping me organize what thoughts I do want to share.
Now you would think, as a writer, I should be able to do that on my own. But I've discovered (especially as I've gotten older) that I'm waaay too close to my own work. This will provide me with a necessary framework and help me create distance, even as I attempt to incorporate more transparency in my writing. :)
'There was a strange and perfect beauty there.' This hits home.
I agree that those imprints made in childhood are so compelling and pervasive.
And there was something special in those early days, (even though I felt it as a source of shame at school from day one). It's just that the specialness was wrapped in so much conditional acceptance and judgment.
This is beautiful, beautiful writing, Kelly. You are on fire 🔥 doing do many different things.
There’s that sense of heart — a longing for a home we never really had, and yet somehow, it was our home. It’s not cut and dried. It’s not black and white, the way we were taught everything was. It’s so much more layered than that. Thank you, Rene.
As the saying goes, if you know, you know. So many things in this were touchstones. Your dad's story of Gene is one of the few times that an account like this was confirmed to actually happen.
As more of the recently disenchanted leavers compared notes, most of us heard nearly identical accounts from preachers "testing" convention on Saturday nights. This was true regardless of region. They'd describe some unnamed youth who was "troubled", didn't make their choice, and then died before they had a chance. The insinuation, of course, was that they frittered away their chance of heaven for "the things of this world", and you should be careful not to make the same mistake.
Men didn't have the same appearance burdens but we still didn't quite fit. We were a bit like aliens wearing human costumes, struggling to fit in with the other earthlings. Some of us did better than others but we likely all were some degree of weird. I said to others from this thing that convention time was good for me as a kid. It was one of the rare times all year that all of the other boys around me observed the same rules and didn't need explanations about it. Now, bit by bit we reenter civilization.
Again C. Jacobs. Yes that theme runs through everything; if you’ve read my secrets of the 2 x 2 essay over on Memoir land, there’s a story about how a boy in the truth born on my birthday was killed on a go kart when we turned 11 and how that affected me, those stories of dying and losing eternal life. It was basically my dad’s reason for a professing, and that was driven home you could die and lose eternity. Like Gene… and Ronnie squeaked into heaven because he was under 12.
Wonderful post. Definitely one I’ll read multiple times to savor and reflect. The twobah cult really does a number on your lizard brain.
Things that still ping my lizard brain:
1) listening to music whilst going to church;
2) staying “out” past 8pm on Sat;
3) anything Roman Catholic;
4) when my daughter makes more than a peep in church.
And so on. Thank you again for such lovely and helpful writing.
Thank you so much for this. I realized I didn’t say 2x2 in this piece though linked to my 2x2 essay in ML. I love how clearly you named those “lizard brain” pings — it’s amazing how deep those early patterns go. It really is a lifelong unwinding, isn’t it? I’m so glad the post resonated with you.
We should start a movie club- “Films We Missed Cuz the Whurkuz Said They Were Evil”
Oh my God I think that would be healing. We could do like a zoom gathering or something not sure how to organize this. But we could catch up on all the pop culture of course we all have different eras in which we missed the pop culture so we could take turns catching up on pop culture for the various eras! lol like a book club
Check out Luke Honey’s Weekend Flicks on Substack. I was thinking something like that, but ex-twobah oriented.
Will do! Hey, this is cool. TBC
The most exquisite scenes. I feel the texture of the clothing, the heat of the tent, the weight of the night. Thank you for sharing your story.
💕thanks sis. 🫶
I can so relate only we were on the west coast. Home meetings, miracles (supposedly), revivals, no tv /secular music & an us vs them mentality. Leaving was like a part of me was dying.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I loved it , especially the dippity do reference,
Thank you, Ann. You really nailed it. No tv/radio/secular music, dancing, sports, alcohol, tobacco and the us vs. them! The whole world against us. Persecution for His name’s sake. Miracles waiting in Heaven, really - suffering to get there. And I’ll never forget that green goo. 🤣
Yup! Unlike you, I can’t listen to Christian music. It still brings up pain and sometimes anger for me.
Pop Christian is so not like the dirge sad hymns we sang but I get it!
Wow. This took my breath away.
Thank you Shavaun!
“There’s an Original Angel inside every one of us ready to be uncovered.”
☺️💖 absolutely beautiful
💛🌻
"Roaches check in. But they don't check out." (Remember that old commercial?) This is a stunning piece of writing, Kelly, and flows so well, each passage flowing into the other. Thank you for the plug regarding our Livestream collab - looking forward to it!
💕💕💕
Woops, I must have been tired last night - just corrected my comment, above (!)
You made me think of the Muhammad Ali commercial “I don’t want you living with roaches!”
Don't remember that one!
Tears falling....this literally took my breath away. I have only recently discovered that there are so many "of us". I was born and raised in this.... And I am 61 now. This whole lifetime of of uncertainty (well since I left and doomed myself to a "lost eternity") Thank you SO much for saying what I have been feeling for so long....
I’m so moved by your words. You are not alone — not now, not ever. I’m honored that something in what I wrote could put language to what you’ve carried. Sending so much love and recognition your way.
Tears falling....this literally took my breath away. I have only recently discovered that there are so many "of us". I was born and raised in this.... And I am 61 now. This whole lifetime of of uncertainty (well since I left and doomed myself to a "lost eternity") Thank you SO much for saying what I have been feeling for so long....
Thank you for your eloquent descriptions. I'm a wee bit envious that you got to use the pink foam rollers. My mother's vision of submission for my hair required SLEEPING in the hard plastic yellow rollers that clamped one's locks like a vice. All I needed was a cigarette & an ironing board & I coulda walked straight into a Hee Haw skit. (Since you didn't watch TV, let's just say that Hee Haw was a hoedown version of Saturday Night Live, with banjos & actors who didn't mind having their teeth blackened out as they sang a catchy little tune that went a little sumthin' like this..."Gloom, despair, & agony on me...")
I suppose you could say I'm a "deconstructed" Southern Baptist. But I don't know how you deconstruct someone who was already shattered by narcissistic, abusive parents & their overzealous religion. I feel like a better description would be former Southern Baptist who was ransacked, scrapped for parts, & left to salvage a life. I actually think Ransacked [insert cult or religion here] has a snappy little ring to it.
Subscribed to join you on your journey.
😂😂😂Oh Hee Haw! If we couldn’t laugh we’d cry. Solidarity. 🫶
So much of this I relate to. I need to take a deep breath after reading because it’s so vivid. It’s amazing to me how trauma lays itself down on our neurocircuitry…like a movie. Play, rewind, play. For me, writing lets me play and stop rewinding.
Thank you Melanie. You know I love your writing. And yes, there’s something about getting it down on paper.
Exquisite writing. Profoundly painful and beautiful, both.
Thank you for reading and commenting! Your name sounds familiar - a phenomena of 2 x 2 so many recognizable names even when I don’t know the people. Even after half a century.
The name is fairly new, actually—it's my pen name under which I write fiction. : ) Your comment warms my heart, because tbh, I'm feeling quite invisible as an author on social media. So thank you! Perhaps you knew someone with a Scandinavian background? Maristatter is derived from my Swedish mother: Literally, "Mary's daughter." Since my books would never have seen the light of day if not for her, I find it singularly appropriate.
And I just received your gift in my In Box, and OMIGOSH THANK YOU SO MUCH! This is going to help me enormously! : )
Wow - I am also Mary’s daughter. My mother’s name.
And yes the gift: substack tips! Hope they’re helpful!
When I subscribed, I got your welcome letter with this: "As a thank-you for joining this community, I’m excited to share my Notes Format with you." It's an outline for creating content, which I find so helpful!
One of the things I've always loathed about social media (especially as an author) is the seeming absolute REQUIREMENT to POST CONSTANTLY.
Uh, no. I'm an introvert, thanks. Besides, there's already more written material in the universe than I could possibly ever consume—and often, it's written more brilliantly. Why would I want to add to it? Unless I have something profound or important to say, I'll pass. But your notes format is so helpful in helping me organize what thoughts I do want to share.
Now you would think, as a writer, I should be able to do that on my own. But I've discovered (especially as I've gotten older) that I'm waaay too close to my own work. This will provide me with a necessary framework and help me create distance, even as I attempt to incorporate more transparency in my writing. :)
Love it! You go! Excited to see you progress. 👌🏼🌻
Can’t breathe. It’s beautiful
It hits, huh. Me too. My cracked cracked heart.
'There was a strange and perfect beauty there.' This hits home.
I agree that those imprints made in childhood are so compelling and pervasive.
And there was something special in those early days, (even though I felt it as a source of shame at school from day one). It's just that the specialness was wrapped in so much conditional acceptance and judgment.
This is beautiful, beautiful writing, Kelly. You are on fire 🔥 doing do many different things.
There’s that sense of heart — a longing for a home we never really had, and yet somehow, it was our home. It’s not cut and dried. It’s not black and white, the way we were taught everything was. It’s so much more layered than that. Thank you, Rene.
As the saying goes, if you know, you know. So many things in this were touchstones. Your dad's story of Gene is one of the few times that an account like this was confirmed to actually happen.
As more of the recently disenchanted leavers compared notes, most of us heard nearly identical accounts from preachers "testing" convention on Saturday nights. This was true regardless of region. They'd describe some unnamed youth who was "troubled", didn't make their choice, and then died before they had a chance. The insinuation, of course, was that they frittered away their chance of heaven for "the things of this world", and you should be careful not to make the same mistake.
Men didn't have the same appearance burdens but we still didn't quite fit. We were a bit like aliens wearing human costumes, struggling to fit in with the other earthlings. Some of us did better than others but we likely all were some degree of weird. I said to others from this thing that convention time was good for me as a kid. It was one of the rare times all year that all of the other boys around me observed the same rules and didn't need explanations about it. Now, bit by bit we reenter civilization.
Your piece here is fantastic.
Glued in from the beginning
Mothers
Gripping
Just wow
Body remembers
Irish roots
The beginning
Stirring
So well written
Can see it all
Great storytelling
So painful I’m also laughing
Wildly relatable
The family lore
Charge of scandals
Witches
Ha!
Well done
Smiling with you and your thriving spirit
🌹🔥💙
Thank you, Prajna you’re the best. I appreciate the read. 🫶🌻
Again C. Jacobs. Yes that theme runs through everything; if you’ve read my secrets of the 2 x 2 essay over on Memoir land, there’s a story about how a boy in the truth born on my birthday was killed on a go kart when we turned 11 and how that affected me, those stories of dying and losing eternal life. It was basically my dad’s reason for a professing, and that was driven home you could die and lose eternity. Like Gene… and Ronnie squeaked into heaven because he was under 12.