W😳W. I must read again, savoring. And get Brene’s book.
When I was very small, but COULD talk, I didn’t very much. Those around me - “family” - badgered me into it and after some time, I did start talking, i.e., saying my thoughts, ideas. They didn’t like what they heard, apparently, and the massacre of my voice began. It’s been a struggle always to be listened to, heard. Even by so-called therapists. As with all of us, it’s s looooooong story!
I had the same experience with substances at first. I was in love with alcohol because it allowed me to FEEL for the first time in my life!! Repression was smacked. Over time, it numbed, though. Learning to feel will be a lifelong journey for me...
Kelly, I really needed this. “Every moment I use my voice, a little more of me comes into being. And with a little more of me, a little more of you. Because I wasn’t here without you.” <3
There's so much here, isn't there. I can personally relate because as a woman, I struggle with voice. (Read with irony!) I also worked in radio (news) and found it to be a safe little place to go to check out of my life for a while during the day. But, as you note, radio is performative. Writing is performative, too. And, perhaps until it feels natural, speaking with a voice is as well. I love your focus on desire---suppressing desire is such a powerful way to silence a woman. I am now retired from radio and from teaching college composition courses and now I facilitate workshops for women in search of voice. It's a lovely, intimate journey to take with the writers and I feel so honored to be invited in. You've made me feel welcome in this space by sharing your experience. Thank you!
Nailed it! Important distinction between the performative (which has its utility) and the grounded embodied voice of being. Your workshops sound amazing! (I did some radio news too. That time in Mobile, Alabama at WLIQ 😂I have got some stories!)
I can't wait to read your piece about family estrangement! I've cut off all contact from all but one relative (one by marriage), the only one whom I have a tenuous relationship with: she is the *only* one whom, last year, sent me some negatives taken at the cemetery when my parents were buried in 1969 when I was ten (which I have no memory of). Last year, she also snuck the NTSB accident report out of her stepdad's house: the report of my parents accident and mailed it to me.
BTW, your mentioning "subtracting": I just began an essay I'm calling "Unending Series of Subtractions" as the only way I can verbalize what I believe in is by telling you what I don't believe.
Fantastic essay, Kelly. I agree about Brene Brown's latest book, but I love all of her books.
I was not raised in a cult, but my religious upbringing did heavily influence the decisions I made regarding family planning (no contraception). I ended up with five (beautiful) children, one with a rare genetic condition, and severe postpartum depression.
Voice is paramount. Finding one's voice, using it to speak truth to one's experience, I believe, is the pathway to healing.
"I have learned to speak even when my voice shakes." That one is still hard for me. For a long time, when I tried to speak, to represent for myself, not only would my voice shake, but I would often cry. Standing up for myself, feeling feelings was so frightening and I was on such shaky ground for so long that it's taken a long time to courageously stand in my truth. And to do it consistently will take longer for me, but I'm on the right track. Love your writing, Kelly. You're an excellent teacher. xoxo
Yeah speak even if we’re crying! Practice practice practice, right? It gets easier but also harder but also better but also different but also we do it anyway because our lives depend on it. Thanks for reading, Nan!
Kelly, you Are “The Goat!” And this whole newsletter is a love story. (And what a great title for a piece I can’t wait to read!!!)
I have to read this again and savor even more closely. I am struck by the clarity & strength of your voice.
It’s evident you’ve found your way home to it through bravely diving deep into dark waters & emerging-having left behind, as you said, who you were Not.
“Voice is emergence.”
So much of what you have said here is poetry, art- because, imo, of the prose itself- the way you say it-your “voice,”as it were, but also-because it rings true.
The “desert of deprivation” is a land I know well.
Yes, “sinful & shameful” as declared by religion. Sadly, while not raised in a cult, I know this very well.
Culture & patriarchy added their mandates by dictating what my body could have, want, do, be; the shape & size it was allowed to take.
Indoctrination is not an easy thing to overcome. But of course you know this better than most-
“And I was taught to deny the body before I knew I had one.” Wow. 🤯
“Desire,” “Passion,” “Life Force”- these words have become my love language; my compass back to my True Self & my divine purpose; ‘divine’ in that it’s encoded in my Soul- my reason for “being,” as singular as my fingerprint.
The great sin to me now is ignoring it, not answering its call.
So now I ask myself:
“Why am I here?” “What makes me come alive?” “What do I Really want?”
“How much of my own Fierce Attention have I allotted to myself today?”
“Who am I Being?”
I love this:
“To name something is to bring it in to being.”
And this:
“I only knew the instinct that drove me from within toward something different, something other than where I came from.”
And this:
“I came to voice by speaking…I have learned to speak even when my voice shakes.”
And of course Audre Lorde,
“I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal, and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.”
You wrote,
“I want to reach a place in you that is like the place in me. I want to say the unspeakable to you and, by your reading, know that you know it too.”🤯
Well, You have (reached the place) &
I have (read your words; no longer unspeakable)
& I do (know it too;
for this place in you, it’s in me too).🥰
I call myself many things,
one is a ‘co-dependent in recovery;’ (even though I Loathe that word- “co-dependent” & the way its wielded like warfare against people who love & care; give “too much,” get “too close,” whatever that means.)
(Actually, I Do know what it means, or rather, what it feels like-when I’m violating my own boundaries, but I didn’t always. In truth, it’s still a slippery slope I navigate with caution.
But to my point-it’s been my experience that Often those who use this word, do so cavalierly, with neither self-reflection or the relevant real world experience with SUD, but I digress.)
I am the mother & sister to substance use dependent men in recovery.
I am grateful to say my son has some years of sustained sobriety after over a decade of what felt like I can only imagine Dante’s 9th circle.
My brother, not so much yet, though he’s doing ‘all the things’ to try now.
But to voicing unspeakable things-even those that might be “bruised or misunderstood,”
I raise my brother’s son, my nephew,
full time now. And much as I love him to bits, (& I do) & though I have bonded since his birth as more than an Aunt would; though he brings joy & love & laughter -
it is Also True that I feel overwhelmed; sometimes even trapped- in a Prisoner’s dilemma of sorts;
and this sounds like I’m painting myself a victim & ugh! I loathe this;
I know this is my choice-
and so-
next up-I feel a bitter resentment rising-toward my brother, toward other family members of mine who I feel have let me down; for circumstances beyond my control.
I wish it didn’t exist-these feelings of stress, fear, bitterness, frustration, sadness.
Then in between each of these feelings, lies a layered grief of many recent losses & those that will soon come.
I think fear & grief are best buds.
(At least in my world.)
I don’t like who I am in this space; can’t stand my own skin.
As a ‘therapist’ (& more potently, a practicing human), I know what happens to feelings or ‘parts’ of a self when denied-so I try my best with them; to offer myself the same compassionate grace I would extend to a client or friend.
But it’s simply harder than it’s been in a long while. There. I said it. Whew.
And Reading your words about substances as they pertain to your feelings- I so appreciate you sharing this.
I have both heard & personally experienced this before myself. I think substances can unearth, amplify, etc etc. I mean, obviously- the field contradicts itself continuously- let’s just look to psychedelics as one current example.
As this is turning in to a dissertation here,
I will wrap up by saying that I hold Brene Brown’s work in the highest regard.
In fact, I just cited “Atlas of the Heart” in a recent grief related post I did about my mom; the difference between “fitting in,” and “belonging.”
So-Thank you for penning this piece. Your voice is Sweet Music-a comfort & a relief. It feels like Belonging.
P.S. @Colleen you kind of struck me wordless with your profound response. Beautifully written. The unspeakable spoken, heard, reflected. I’m so glad to have you in this conversation.
I WAS just reading back through Brene's Atlas of Feelings book this week! Also, you know I love that line about how rebellion is no more a choice than conforming. Because it's a reaction. Accurate! So happy to hear your voice Kelly. ❤️
I just read this again. It’s so beautiful, powerful and true. Your voice comes through loud and clear when that’s the energy of the message you want to share and then it comes through soft and gentle when you’re dishing out a bowl of compassion. I think you’re an incredible creator.
And as an after note, I love Brene Brown and will order the book you recommend. Thanks, Kelly!
W😳W. I must read again, savoring. And get Brene’s book.
When I was very small, but COULD talk, I didn’t very much. Those around me - “family” - badgered me into it and after some time, I did start talking, i.e., saying my thoughts, ideas. They didn’t like what they heard, apparently, and the massacre of my voice began. It’s been a struggle always to be listened to, heard. Even by so-called therapists. As with all of us, it’s s looooooong story!
Thank you, Kelly.
It’s so good to hear your voice here and now! Thank you for reading LinMaree! 🫶
I had the same experience with substances at first. I was in love with alcohol because it allowed me to FEEL for the first time in my life!! Repression was smacked. Over time, it numbed, though. Learning to feel will be a lifelong journey for me...
Thank you for writing 🖤
🌻🌻🌻🫶🫶🫶so glad you’ve embarked!
My college roommate bought copies of Brene Brown’s Atlas of the Heart for our friend group to read and discuss. Lots of good stuff there.
It’s a great tool!
Thank you for sharing this. I was born in a cult too, and rebelled, while my barely-older sister stayed. To this day.
I loved your book "Forager," Michelle. Solidarity, my friend.
Kelly, I really needed this. “Every moment I use my voice, a little more of me comes into being. And with a little more of me, a little more of you. Because I wasn’t here without you.” <3
🫶so glad it’s helpful!
There's so much here, isn't there. I can personally relate because as a woman, I struggle with voice. (Read with irony!) I also worked in radio (news) and found it to be a safe little place to go to check out of my life for a while during the day. But, as you note, radio is performative. Writing is performative, too. And, perhaps until it feels natural, speaking with a voice is as well. I love your focus on desire---suppressing desire is such a powerful way to silence a woman. I am now retired from radio and from teaching college composition courses and now I facilitate workshops for women in search of voice. It's a lovely, intimate journey to take with the writers and I feel so honored to be invited in. You've made me feel welcome in this space by sharing your experience. Thank you!
Nailed it! Important distinction between the performative (which has its utility) and the grounded embodied voice of being. Your workshops sound amazing! (I did some radio news too. That time in Mobile, Alabama at WLIQ 😂I have got some stories!)
I'll bet you DO have some good stories to tell. Hope you'll share them someday.
On the list! 🫶
I can't wait to read your piece about family estrangement! I've cut off all contact from all but one relative (one by marriage), the only one whom I have a tenuous relationship with: she is the *only* one whom, last year, sent me some negatives taken at the cemetery when my parents were buried in 1969 when I was ten (which I have no memory of). Last year, she also snuck the NTSB accident report out of her stepdad's house: the report of my parents accident and mailed it to me.
BTW, your mentioning "subtracting": I just began an essay I'm calling "Unending Series of Subtractions" as the only way I can verbalize what I believe in is by telling you what I don't believe.
What an incredible story - and yes to subtractions as best path to truth. 🌻So glad we found each other!
Fantastic essay, Kelly. I agree about Brene Brown's latest book, but I love all of her books.
I was not raised in a cult, but my religious upbringing did heavily influence the decisions I made regarding family planning (no contraception). I ended up with five (beautiful) children, one with a rare genetic condition, and severe postpartum depression.
Voice is paramount. Finding one's voice, using it to speak truth to one's experience, I believe, is the pathway to healing.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting! It really is everything, isn’t it?
"I have learned to speak even when my voice shakes." That one is still hard for me. For a long time, when I tried to speak, to represent for myself, not only would my voice shake, but I would often cry. Standing up for myself, feeling feelings was so frightening and I was on such shaky ground for so long that it's taken a long time to courageously stand in my truth. And to do it consistently will take longer for me, but I'm on the right track. Love your writing, Kelly. You're an excellent teacher. xoxo
Yeah speak even if we’re crying! Practice practice practice, right? It gets easier but also harder but also better but also different but also we do it anyway because our lives depend on it. Thanks for reading, Nan!
Kelly, you Are “The Goat!” And this whole newsletter is a love story. (And what a great title for a piece I can’t wait to read!!!)
I have to read this again and savor even more closely. I am struck by the clarity & strength of your voice.
It’s evident you’ve found your way home to it through bravely diving deep into dark waters & emerging-having left behind, as you said, who you were Not.
“Voice is emergence.”
So much of what you have said here is poetry, art- because, imo, of the prose itself- the way you say it-your “voice,”as it were, but also-because it rings true.
The “desert of deprivation” is a land I know well.
Yes, “sinful & shameful” as declared by religion. Sadly, while not raised in a cult, I know this very well.
Culture & patriarchy added their mandates by dictating what my body could have, want, do, be; the shape & size it was allowed to take.
Indoctrination is not an easy thing to overcome. But of course you know this better than most-
“And I was taught to deny the body before I knew I had one.” Wow. 🤯
“Desire,” “Passion,” “Life Force”- these words have become my love language; my compass back to my True Self & my divine purpose; ‘divine’ in that it’s encoded in my Soul- my reason for “being,” as singular as my fingerprint.
The great sin to me now is ignoring it, not answering its call.
So now I ask myself:
“Why am I here?” “What makes me come alive?” “What do I Really want?”
“How much of my own Fierce Attention have I allotted to myself today?”
“Who am I Being?”
I love this:
“To name something is to bring it in to being.”
And this:
“I only knew the instinct that drove me from within toward something different, something other than where I came from.”
And this:
“I came to voice by speaking…I have learned to speak even when my voice shakes.”
And of course Audre Lorde,
“I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal, and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.”
You wrote,
“I want to reach a place in you that is like the place in me. I want to say the unspeakable to you and, by your reading, know that you know it too.”🤯
Well, You have (reached the place) &
I have (read your words; no longer unspeakable)
& I do (know it too;
for this place in you, it’s in me too).🥰
I call myself many things,
one is a ‘co-dependent in recovery;’ (even though I Loathe that word- “co-dependent” & the way its wielded like warfare against people who love & care; give “too much,” get “too close,” whatever that means.)
(Actually, I Do know what it means, or rather, what it feels like-when I’m violating my own boundaries, but I didn’t always. In truth, it’s still a slippery slope I navigate with caution.
But to my point-it’s been my experience that Often those who use this word, do so cavalierly, with neither self-reflection or the relevant real world experience with SUD, but I digress.)
I am the mother & sister to substance use dependent men in recovery.
I am grateful to say my son has some years of sustained sobriety after over a decade of what felt like I can only imagine Dante’s 9th circle.
My brother, not so much yet, though he’s doing ‘all the things’ to try now.
But to voicing unspeakable things-even those that might be “bruised or misunderstood,”
I raise my brother’s son, my nephew,
full time now. And much as I love him to bits, (& I do) & though I have bonded since his birth as more than an Aunt would; though he brings joy & love & laughter -
it is Also True that I feel overwhelmed; sometimes even trapped- in a Prisoner’s dilemma of sorts;
and this sounds like I’m painting myself a victim & ugh! I loathe this;
I know this is my choice-
and so-
next up-I feel a bitter resentment rising-toward my brother, toward other family members of mine who I feel have let me down; for circumstances beyond my control.
I wish it didn’t exist-these feelings of stress, fear, bitterness, frustration, sadness.
Then in between each of these feelings, lies a layered grief of many recent losses & those that will soon come.
I think fear & grief are best buds.
(At least in my world.)
I don’t like who I am in this space; can’t stand my own skin.
As a ‘therapist’ (& more potently, a practicing human), I know what happens to feelings or ‘parts’ of a self when denied-so I try my best with them; to offer myself the same compassionate grace I would extend to a client or friend.
But it’s simply harder than it’s been in a long while. There. I said it. Whew.
And Reading your words about substances as they pertain to your feelings- I so appreciate you sharing this.
I have both heard & personally experienced this before myself. I think substances can unearth, amplify, etc etc. I mean, obviously- the field contradicts itself continuously- let’s just look to psychedelics as one current example.
As this is turning in to a dissertation here,
I will wrap up by saying that I hold Brene Brown’s work in the highest regard.
In fact, I just cited “Atlas of the Heart” in a recent grief related post I did about my mom; the difference between “fitting in,” and “belonging.”
So-Thank you for penning this piece. Your voice is Sweet Music-a comfort & a relief. It feels like Belonging.
“I want to reach a place in you that is like the place in me. I want to say the unspeakable to you and, by your reading, know that you know it too.”
Deep bow. 🙏🏻🔥
Communion. A gift. We all belong. 🦋
P.S. @Colleen you kind of struck me wordless with your profound response. Beautifully written. The unspeakable spoken, heard, reflected. I’m so glad to have you in this conversation.
I WAS just reading back through Brene's Atlas of Feelings book this week! Also, you know I love that line about how rebellion is no more a choice than conforming. Because it's a reaction. Accurate! So happy to hear your voice Kelly. ❤️
Thank you Claire! It means so much to hear from you here. ❤️🔥
"I came to voice by speaking." Love your thoughts on this, and have for a while loved Audre Lorde's thoughts on this. So much courage.
Thank you Liz! Love to see you here. 🌻
Thanks Heather for the restack! 🌈⚡️
I just read this again. It’s so beautiful, powerful and true. Your voice comes through loud and clear when that’s the energy of the message you want to share and then it comes through soft and gentle when you’re dishing out a bowl of compassion. I think you’re an incredible creator.
And as an after note, I love Brene Brown and will order the book you recommend. Thanks, Kelly!