Breakthrough

Substack as Portal to Creative Freedom

It was the year of shit. Yet.

Yet, that’s not entirely true. Let me begin again.

It was the year of riding the storm.

Into this house, we're born

Into this world, we're thrown

Like a dog without a bone

An actor out on loan

Riders on the storm

~ Jim Morrison

Just the Beginning

lyrics, music, and vocals by Wayne

Yet. Yet.

It was also the year I found my voice on Substack. Since my first post on June 30, 2024, I’ve gained close to a thousand subscribers.

I stopped working on the memoir I’ve been writing for the past decade. When I started, the vision—or form—that came to me was collage. That felt natural to me: layered, dynamic, alive. Social media became an extension of that vision, offering a living, interactive collage where I could curate, connect, and engage in real-time. It’s no surprise I’ve found my voice here on Substack. I collage. Photographs, music, allusions, links, poetry, quotations—and you—are all integral to my work.

Stories. We all have them, live by them, and sometimes even get trapped by them. We need stories, but I’m starting to see how complex they really are—how we create them, carry them, and how they hold the power to shape our lives. And how, just as easily, they can divide us.

I’m glad I haven’t published my memoir. My story isn’t done yet. There’s always a story beneath the story.

Now, I write for you. With you.

From the heart - that cauldron of alchemy. Of the never-ending story. Of change. From that point of light shining gold in the midst of me and you.

It was the year of loss, of hiraeth: a homesickness for a home you can’t return to or never truly existed. The word comes from “hir,” meaning long, and “aeth,” meaning sorrow or grief.

It has been a year marked by concentrated loss. Over the past decade, I estranged from my siblings and father. To clarify, when I say “estranged,” it wasn’t the result of a grand decision or an official break. I didn’t consciously choose to “go no contact.” Instead, it unfolded gradually, with each moment involving a choice to let go, create distance, and stay true to myself as circumstances demanded. It became a daily practice of choosing my own truth over obligations—of choosing myself. Those words almost make me uncomfortable because I’ve spent a lifetime being taught that doing so is selfish or self-centered. But in this context, it’s meant as a way of aligning with my true nature one day at a time.

Sometimes, I needed anger to hold firm boundaries against the injustice of ongoing abuse and being scapegoated. I couldn’t always be gracious in protecting myself. Over time, the separation gained momentum, becoming more pronounced. I sense my family’s anger—they likely see my need for self-care as a betrayal, as if I’ve permanently severed ties. In our family, communication has never been a strong suit. Instead of asking questions, we make assumptions. No one listens. No one even asked me what was wrong or why I needed distance. For me to tell them or volunteer why - well, I’d been trying to tell them what was wrong forever.

The hardest part is that taking care of myself has meant losing them. But in losing them, I also let go of my lifelong need to change their story about who I am. Over time, I felt more alien in their presence, and the gap between who I knew myself to be and who they believed me to be became unbearable.

The irony of hiraeth lies in its meaning—a longing for a home that never truly existed. Yet it’s the only home I’ve ever known. While I carry much good from it, the rift endures. In my family, abuse is normalized. Their minimizing, ridicule, and scapegoating are just "normal." When I voiced my perspective, I met denial and derision. As my awareness of the dysfunction grew, so did my inability to tolerate it—mirroring my journey of personal growth¹.

It was the year my father died on Thanksgiving Day, the holiday my family celebrated and held sacred (we didn’t observe other holidays due to my parents’ religious beliefs.)

My mother died three years ago in 2021. That same year, my then-12-year-old grandson suffered a cardiac arrest following open-heart surgery. Miraculously, he survived the twelve minutes it took to resuscitate him and is thriving today, though he still lives with the residual effects. Since 2020 and the pandemic, these years have been defined by an unrelenting closeness to life’s fragility.

And what am I to think of the rumor that I was written out of my father’s will? I never expected an inheritance—my father didn’t have much to leave—but it still stings. On the other hand, I was ecstatic to learn that one of my daughters inherited some money from him. She deserved it. I suppose I didn’t, at least not in my father’s eyes—or maybe he left what little he had to his grandchildren. Who knows? I won’t ask. After all, my siblings didn’t even tell me he was dying or notify me about the memorial.

It’s complicated. I can’t seem to crack the case.

BIRD WINGS Your grief for what you’ve lost lifts a mirror up to where you are bravely working. Expecting the worst, you look, and instead, here’s the joyful face you’ve been wanting to see. Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralysed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birdwings.

By Rumi From The Essential Rumi Coleman Barks with John Moyne

Photo by Wayne

It was the year of the pandemic again despite the false claims that ‘it’s over.” It will never be over. You can call it “endemic” if you like. For me and billions, living a more restricted life as a result of it has not ended, and there’s no end in sight.

Yet, it was the year of joy with the family I do have:

Which brings me to the word for 2025

ACCEPTANCE.

That’s it, y’all. That’s all I got.

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One Thing

These are extreme times, my love. Seize this joy, this temporal moment. Know that beneath it all, in the midst of what comes and goes, the essence you are never falters, never changes, and contains everything that moves through you as the sky contains clouds.

Acceptance

Click for more: Acceptance

I’m happy to introduce you to quantum breath mediation and one of my teachers, Amrit Desai. I had the privilege of meeting Amritji and Michael Singer in 2019, a blessed year without which I would not have had the capacity to grow through the last difficult five years.

I highly recommend this book by Amrit:

And this one by Michael:

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On Repeat

Findin’ out that we occupy/Somebody else’s opposin’ side

On the banks of some great divide/Two versions of a dream

Countless revisions of history/Trying to tell us the future

Between each commercial break

Shoutouts

Rebecca C Mandeville LMFT CCTP

for the Rumi poem Bird Wings (above) and for her undying support and advocacy for There’s Nothing Wrong With You (And There Never Was). Rebecca founded Family Scapegoat Abuse Education on Substack and is the author of Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role. Upon my launch of TNWWY in July, she instantly recognized me as a colleague. I write for outsiders, misfits, black sheep, the marginalized, and the different — people like me. Rebecca has done groundbreaking work and research in the mental health field, which has put FSA on the map. If you’re in recovery (from anything), check her out. You may find a strong correlation between your struggle with substances, food, relationships, emotions, or fill-in-the-blank and her work.

Jim Palmer

for

Deconstructionology with Jim Palmer

and everything he writes. Jim is a thought leader and has written many books on the deconstruction of religion. His beautiful insight into the life of Jesus resonates with my own, as does his deep apprehension of what is real and his ability to lead spiritual abuse survivors out of the labyrinth. I began that journey at fifteen, long before deconstruction and spiritual abuse as concepts hit the mainstream. Like so many great teachers I’ve met along the way, finding Jim's work was like taking a deep breath of freedom and finding long-lost communion. One challenge of recovery (from anything) involves finding a new guidance system. In AA, it’s called a higher power. Since I’m not a fan of hierarchy, I think of it as a greater power - greater than me. Our childhood religious training and wounds can get in the way of recovery. You may find Jim’s work helpful.

Lea Page wrote this for HuffPo: After I Cut Off Contact From My Mother, I Was Shocked By The Brutal Move My Sisters Made. While my estrangement was not with my mother but with my father and siblings, her article resonated. She includes five things she wished she’d known about what would happen after she broke contact. Family estrangement is probably not new, but our awareness of it is, and it appears to be growing. Roughly 97 billion adults in the United States report being estranged from a family member.

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Close to a thousand of you reading along have already subscribed to TNWWY, and I can’t thank you enough for your support.

We’re just beginning. What we make here is dynamic, not static. It is a relationship between us, not a hierarchy of author and reader based on the traditional model and institution of publishing. We’re moving away from that.

There is a synergy between us that creates the next installment. I’m not doing this in a vacuum. I’m excited to see what will evolve out of our collaboration. This is a conversation, not a lecture. I need your eyes, ears, comments, and shares to build it. For example, in recovery (from anything), change happens in the unconscious, which Lacan defines as an active dynamic and relational system.

Our synergy has inspired me to write future posts on:

Psychic Change in Recovery: What is it and how does it happen? (Hint: see Jim Palmer on Is God Our Unconscious?)

Tapping into Rage in Recovery. Fuel for the fire of true nature! Necessary. This is where we touch the truth of s/Self and begin to find our passion and purpose; our desire and love of life can finally bloom.

And More. So much more. Louise Gluck asked, of her writing:

But with whom was I communicating?

On Substack, it’s a whole new ballgame. I’m talking with YOU. How do I know? Because you talk back. There’s a direct line between us. Synergy.

Upgrade your subscription to paid at a discount here — no paywall, ever. If you’d like, you can also support with a donation.

1. “Part of the reason estrangement has become more common is the "changing notions of what constitutes harmful, abusive, traumatizing or neglectful behavior," said Joshua Coleman, a clinical psychologist and the author of "Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict," in his book.” https://theweek.com/culture-life/no-contact-family-estrangement